On the other hand

So it’s been one day since my ‘ganglionectomy’ (yep, actually a word, meaning ‘the surgical removal of a ganglion cyst’, this one being named Gordon and previously residing on my left wrist) and this is what I’ve discovered today regarding looking after two small children with the use of only one hand:

– You cannot tie your own hair up with just one hand, nor anybody else’s 

– Your children will have extra shits on the first day you are ‘disabled’ 

– You will try to do all the things you normally do. You might even succeed, but it will hurt

– You will develop a stinking cold, because a decent nose blow is impossible with one hand – and you will instantly regret buying the cheap tissues

– You will worry about a ‘need to drive’ emergency cropping up

– Your other half’s 8-5 working day will last for approximately 4,532 hours and 17 minutes 

– Making a cup of tea one-handed is easy

– Remembering where you left said cup of tea so you can drink it while it is still hot is not so straightforward 

– Selfies of you and your baby will look like this:

– You will develop huge admiration for anyone parenting with an actual, longterm disability (You. Are. Amazing.)

– You will regret declining the sick note you were offered purely because you could have stuck it to the fridge in protest

– You realise that saying “I don’t work” to the person who offered you the sick note was a complete lie and “I don’t get paid” is far more accurate 

– Nappy changes will involve blood (yours), sweat (yours) and tears (also yours)

– You will go braless. You will not care.

– Sweeping up discarded food will take a lot longer than normal, and you will resort to using your (bare) foot as a sweeping brush 

– When you ask your other half to wash your hair and he replies “Can’t you just let it get greasy?” you will wish you had the use of both arms just so you can beat him to a pulp 

– Your toddler will develop a fascination with your bandaged arm and insist on stroking it like a cat

– Your baby will sleep through – simply because they know Dad would be on night feed duty and not you

– Your toddler, who promised to be a ‘super helpful helper’ less than 12 hours previously, will demand more snacks, meals, drinks and bum-wipes than ever before

– Your day will get significantly better if your baby’s first nap happens to coincide with the first Wimbledon match

– One-handed removal of a sippy cup lid should be a introduced as a challenge on The Krypton Factor 

– You will secretly enjoy the fact that washing up is a bit tricky and should probably be left to your other half for a change 

– You will use your teeth and thighs for things you never thought you would (steady on…)

– When you weigh yourself and discover you’re only half a pound off a significant weight loss goal, you will wonder how heavy your bandages are

– You will seriously consider that a small, weird-looking, slightly achy, bloody-smarts-if-you-catch-it-on-something lump on your wrist wasn’t actually that bad after all

In not-so-loving memory of Gordon the ganglion
Sept 2015 – June 2016

May he rest in peace/a surgical-waste-only bin


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